From the Desk of Madame Zuchini

The Inevitable Ride

If today is your birthday, you are in big trouble, depending on  how old you are. If you are below the age of 14, you must obey your parents. You cannot drive a car, or vote, or drink, or even decide if you need to be intimate. If you are in your 20’s, you don’t know shit. You think you do, and you think 30 is old, which proves you don’t know shit. If you are in your 30’s you are in the prime of your life and the only thing you need worry about is paper cuts, or perhaps, depending on your employment, getting your arm cut off in a industrial accident. Though Madame does not feel it is the fate of redheaded women in their 30’s. If you are in your 40’s, things begin to go south. Yes, down. Your skin is no longer as elastic as it once was, your breasts, should you have them, will not be as perky as they might have been. And worst of all if you don’t  have breasts, you will grow them, and they will sag. I’m talking to you men, who might also grow a pregnant stomach, hard and full as Jiffy Pop Popcorn. In your 50’s, as Madame is, forgetaboutit. There will be strange lines growing on your face, your armpit hair will gravitate to your chin, and when you look in the mirror expecting to see the 30 year old who would put on a miniskirt and dance til dawn, will be horrified to see…well, yourself. Graying chin hair and all.

However, there is a good chance that your birthday will come off like underwear at a swing club. Birthday cake perfect, no one named Ed from your office at the party and the presents will actually be accompanied by receipts so you can return them without incident. Perhaps you will laugh, or vomit in your mouth a little bit. But whatever the outcome of your birthday, rest assured, you are a year closer to  Pine City. Happy Birthday. Have a guavatini on me. Madame out.

Word of the Day – Penchant. As in: Madame has a penchant (not to be confused with pendant, which Madame also has) for telling the truth, without regard for feelings or good  sense. Sometimes there is good news from the Great Designer, but mostly not.