From the Desk of Madame Zuchini

Moderation – Pro or Con?

Without moderation we are just cavemen, a mere two degrees away from roasting and eating our own grandmother. Without moderation we end up obscenely fat, and smell like sex. With moderation we are boring and stifled and pummelled with questions as to why our clothing doesn’t match. In other words, too much moderation will cause all sense of  hungry, rampaging passion to be leeched from our imaginations, and not enough moderation will fill our minds with a veritable cornucopia of wicked explorations.

Today will  feel like a bummer. Okay, today will be a bummer. You will be tired, and standing in line for your morning coffee will feel akin to yelling “representative” into the recorded message of the DMV hotline for twenty minutes.. The unbearable heaviness of the wait will make you want to strip yourself naked and claw the walls, screech and run about the coffee house with assumed impunity. Instead, to relieve the demon like desire in you to send moderation to  hell, instead turn to the woman behind you, sniff, and then roll your eyes at the other customers.

Keep a sharp eye out for superiors who are also having a bummer of a day. They will want to take it out on you, and you may find yourself collating seven copies of all the statistical reports from 1997 on up.  Around the middle of the day you will find yourself in need of nourishment. You will want something sloppy and gooey and fattening, but refrain, because you won’t always feel bummed out and you’ll be sorry later, (Madame apologizes for using such a subjective term as the word “later”  As “later” is just a lie mother’s tell, as in “ask me later”.) Eat a salad with no dressing. This should increase your bummerness,  but tomorrow you will feel like you Rule.  Or, at night if you wish, you can turn into shark mode and pig out.  Have waffles with syrup, a candy bar, popcorn with butter,and  jelly toast. This will ensure that you will feel bummed out again tomorrow. So maybe don’t do it. Gemini twins will do both, eat the salad and then pig out, Cancer maidens are too proud to give in, except if they get their feelings hurt or are  in their late 40’s then it’s easy to come up with excuses.

Take Madame’s advice, live life like you have 30 more years, put money away for a rainy day, eat right, have sex on a reasonable basis, and smack your kids around, they’ll never remember it. It will make you feel good that you  have exhausted your day’s quota of moderation.  Or if you prefer, pretend like you only have two more days left to live in this incarnation and let moderation take a powder, while still smacking the children around. It will all be over soon regardless of how long you live. In the great scheme of things we are already dead. And on that bright note – I will relax naked on my front porch while drinking hot roasted coffee with sugar free Kahlua. To Moderation or not!!  Madame out.

Word of the day: Impediment. As in: One may wake up one morning with an impediment, whether it is a speech impediment or a moral one or an impediment that keeps you from over eating ice cream. Perhaps an impediment that precludes one from holding open the elevator doors for the fifth consecutive person who cannot apparently exercise moderation in hitting the snooze button.